phatDonna

Actually, my shoulder has hurt since 2007.

After having Bridget, I would go through these periods where my shoulders would hurt like mad for a few days. I went to the doctor and he told me it was tendonitis, common in new moms who have a new routine of repetitive motions. We tried oral anti-inflammatory medication which didn’t work, then the big guns were pulled out. I got a ridiculously scary and painful cortisone shot in each of my shoulders about six months apart. And it worked! For years, it worked.

But for the past two years, it’s been flaring up again, but this time it’s been almost exclusively in my left shoulder. And it’s bad. When I try to describe it, I call it an excruciating ache. It’s not a sharp pain, but it’s deep and it’s definitely not muscular. It always hurts, but there are times when it’s much worse than others. Some days I can’t even put on a bra because the motion of trying to fasten it behind my back is just too much. Thank god for sports bras that go on over your head. And because I’m always trying to brace it to not hurt, I’m doing strange things to the muscles in my upper back and neck, so they always hurt too.

I kept thinking of calling my doctor in Dallas and asking for another shot in my left shoulder, but because of his office hours, I’ve never been able to make that work. I was dragging my feet about calling someone local because I’d have to go through the whole spiel again, do my time on the pills, when what I really wanted was the nasty shot.

But last night was the last straw. It hurt so badly before bed that I was almost in tears. So I finally went looking for an orthopedist to fix this once and for all. This is just no way to live. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and I am so damn excited. I’m scared too, because I don’t want to hear it if this is just something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Then again, I’d not be thrilled to hear I need surgery. Well, maybe surgery. How long would I get to lie around after shoulder surgery?

All I want is to walk out of that doctor’s office tomorrow pain free. Is that too much to ask?

Every year I see this same thing happening, and it perplexes me every time. People getting their panties all in a twist because they see Christmas decorations up in stores sooner than they feel is allowable. And I just don’t get it.

There are no holidays that have the sparkle and excitement of Christmas. At Christmas time, people are just generally more cheery and tolerant and generous. What exactly is wrong with wanting that to last longer than the three weeks after Thanksgiving? Why is it so bad to get people into that frame of mind sooner rather than later?

In my opinion, November 1 begins THE HOLIDAYS. To me, the time of year known as “The Holidays” encompasses Thanksgiving, Hanukah,  Christmas and New Years. So sure, you don’t see Thanksgiving decorations, because let’s be honest, Thanksgiving decorations are ugly. They aren’t pretty and sparkly and glittery. Someone should work on that, and maybe then stores and windows would be decked out with more Thanksgiving decorations.

Now, I get what most of you think – that stores only decorate early in an attempt to get you to start spending money sooner. And I’m sure that’s true. (Remember, retailers need to make money in order to stay in business, keep paying taxes and employing members of the community.) But just because that’s what they want doesn’t mean you have to fall for it. Why can’t you just enjoy the pretty stuff, take a moment to think fondly about holidays past and get excited about the holidays that are approaching? Don’t buy until you are ready to buy. Personally I like to start early so I don’t have the huge outlay of cash in one three-week period.

Some people like to decorate their homes elaborately for the holidays. If stores didn’t put out their Christmas things early, these wonderfully crafty people (of which I am most definitely not one) wouldn’t have time to plan, buy and implement their visions. Other people have family and friends far away. They might like to get their holiday shopping done early so that they can wrap, package and send gifts across the world.

By putting up decorations and various holiday items early, no one is judging you or trying to make you feel like a slacker for not being more prepared or organized. They are simply catering to a large group of people who DO like to get started early.

So next time you are in a store and you see Christmas decorations and are tempted to grumble about greedy retailers, just take a moment, look at the pretty things and let it all remind you of what The Holidays mean to you. Personally, I enjoy the anticipation of it all, and I like that to start sooner rather than later.

You know, after I posted that last post about how motherhood has changed me down to my DNA, I started thinking about whether that was true. And I guess in most ways it has because everything I do is premeditated through the filter of “Could this affect Bridget? If so, how?”

And yet I strive to maintain some of my own identity. I don’t think it sets a good example for her if she thinks that my sole purpose in life is to tend to her needs. If she ever decides to become a mother one day, I don’t want her trying to live up to some June Cleaver impossible standard. She needs to know NOW that I do have other things in my life besides her and that they are important to me, but never more important to me than her. Because if she ever wants to become a parent, I want her to know that she has a right to be her own person, too.  I think I do a pretty good job of that.

But one thing I just can never shed of myself is my completely twisted sense of humor. I know I’m dark and inappropriate. I am almost impossible to offend with humor. Given the right audience and context, I don’t think there is any topic that can’t be made fun of. And I honestly have no idea how to deal with this in relation to Bridget. I certainly can’t laugh at pedophile jokes around her now (but I do know one that’s really funny) and I don’t know that I would ever pinpoint an age when I could do that.

So for now I snicker quietly to myself as my twisted brain comes up with sick sexual jokes during her kid shows, and when she asks why I’m laughing, I just tell her I got a funny email.

Where do you fall on Nature vs. Nurture when it comes to humor? Was I born this way? Or did I learn it from my parents dad?

This picture was taken just about five years ago to the day:

This was the weekend before Bridget was born and we were clowning around, experimenting with finding items that could and could not be balanced on my giant pregnant belly. This was me before my DNA was completely reorganized and I morphed into being a mother, something I will be for the rest of my life. I can never go back to being the person I was in this picture.

I remember getting a card at one of my baby showers with this quote in it:

Making the decision to have a child – It’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

It’s a bit cheesy, I’ll admit, but it’s true in a way that girl up there never could have imagined.

I don’t know why exactly but I’m getting kind of sad about the fact that Bridget is about to be five. Five seems so big. Five is school aged. Five is halfway to TEN. Oy.

So pardon me this week as I muddle through this week preparing for my baby girl to be five. I’m sure I’ll be back to saying inappropriate things very soon.

I know that the popular thing to do this month is post about gratitude and happiness. But isn’t just a little bit more fun to bitch sometimes?  I’m going to share my top rants for today.

I currently have 13 games of Words with Friends going. I’m not exaggerating. That’s not the ranty party. I have WWF on my iPhone and have had for a long time. I paid for the app so that I could avoid the ads. When WWF came to Facebook, you could link your accounts, which was so wonderful. Except on Facebook, there is no way to avoid the ads. So it makes sense to only play it on my iPhone right? Except it annoys the hell out of me on Facebook because every time it’s my turn, my phone makes a noise and vibrates. Even if it’s the middle of the night, or if I’m talking on the phone. Must research a way to make that stop happening. Basically I’m ranting because I can’t find the most convenient way to play fucking virtual Scrabble.

On Monday or Tuesday (the days of this week have totally run together) when Bridget was home sick, I got up to get her something, stepped on an errant Lego brick and sliced open the bottom of one of my toes. Who knew a Lego could do that? And I really need it to heal up because I need a pedicure in the worst way, but there is no way I’m doing that with open skin on my foot. Basically my complaint here is that I have to wait for a cut to heal using antibiotic ointment and bandages before getting a pedicure. In some countries in the world right now, this injury could bring about my death.

I recently got myself hooked on Breaking Bad. The show is so damn fantastic I can’t even begin to describe it. I’ve spent the past few weeks watching the old episodes on Netflix. And right now I have two episodes left. But I don’t want to watch them because then it will be AGES before I can see Season 4. I need to find another show that has plenty of episodes to replace Breaking Bad to ward off TV withdrawal. That is really pathetic.

My heat has kicked on exactly four times so far this month, and already my skin is paper dry and itchy. It’s maddening. I could be living in a box under an overpass with no heat at all, so really this is a stupid thing to complain about. BUT ITCHY!

On a smaller scale, I want someone to come put away all my laundry, rid my house of dog and cat hair, and steam clean my carpets. And while you’re at it, make it so that I never have to watch another Barbie movie ever.

What are YOUR rants today?

(I promise I will have a happy, grateful post coming soon in which I shoot sunshine and rainbows out of my ass. Just not today.)

Today I found myself in Hobby Lobby for Mod Podge and other craft supplies. Don’t ask.

But I strolled past the half an aisle’s worth of Thanksgiving decorations and found a turkey that could go on the mantle as a nod to the fact that there actually IS a tiny holiday between Halloween and Christmas, although it’s my least favorite holiday of the year. I figure I should do something for it to get Bridget in the spirit.

Anyhoo… I saw these two and I had to have them. Meet my new Pilgrim children

This is Mercy

And this is Bartholomew.

I haven’t yet decided if they are brother and sister or if they are secret lovers. All I can say for sure is that they are very judgmental about that second Kit-Kat I just ate.

Fucking Pilgrims. There’s a reason the Pilgrims are on Dickipedia.

Good thing these two were 50% off or I’d have to return their judgey asses.