phatDonna

I know, I know. Another boring running post. Sorry.

Recently I’ve had so many people say to me that they wished they could run but they can’t or they hate it. And I’m not saying they are wrong. How can you be wrong about disliking something? I just wanted to share my story.

I always thought I hated running. It started back in junior high school, when in P.E. class we had to complete the President’s Physical Fitness Test. Part of that was the 20 minute run. Basically, you had to run for 20 straight minutes and see how far you could run. And it sucked. From that point on in my life, I hated running. I tried a few times in college to combat the grease and alcohol by running, but I still hated it, and on top of that, my knees would hurt when I did it.

Then in 2007, I was fat from years of not exercising and having just had a baby. A friend’s new husband was an avid runner. We decided we would give it a shot to see what this running business was all about, what the draw was. We used the Couch to 5K program and did a couple of 5K races. But then it started to hurt, in my knees and ankles. I liked running but it wasn’t important enough to me to deal with the pain. So I just stopped.

Fast forward to 2011. Here in Austin, so many of the new friends I made here were runners. They reminded me that I had liked running at one point. Then after stepping on a scale the day after Christmas and seeing a number I NEVER thought I would see, I knew something had to change. So I decided to try again. I armed myself with the Couch to 5K program, this time in the form of an iPhone app and got going. I just ran around my condos because it was an easy quarter mile distance.

Then someone recommended a running training class. It was free, it met on Wednesday nights when Bridget is with The Ex, and the ultimate goal was to run a 10K race at the end of March. I bit the bullet. I was terrified driving to that first class. What if I couldn’t do it? What if I hated it? But I was already in my running clothes so I might as well go in, right?

The first part of class was a warm up run. That warm up run was farther than I had run in four years. 1.3 miles. I had to take a few walk breaks, I’m not going to lie. But I found two girls who have similar paces and we struck up a friendship. We had two wonderful coaches who could not have been more supportive or kind. They offered advice and encouragement.

Every Wednesday night and Saturday morning, I would have the best runner’s high. That part is not a lie. Endorphins are an amazing thing. Classes and drills were hard, but I felt like I had accomplished something amazing after every run. I looked forward to my runs. The first time that I had pain severe enough to stop me from running, I was so angry. I felt cheated. This time, instead of just giving up on running, I sought treatment. My problem was common and easy to fix. I could keep running.

I won’t pretend that every time I run is all candy and unicorns. It’s not. Sometimes I just don’t want to do it. It always takes me about 10 minutes before my body and mind stop fighting what I’m doing and the groove just happens. And sometimes I hate every blessed step of an entire run. But usually, I can get in the zone. I hear this awesome rhythm of my footsteps, my breathing and my heart, and I just don’t WANT to stop.

I am not saying that EVERYONE should run, or that if they just try it, they’d agree with me. But I do think that many people think they don’t like running because they started too fast, tried to do more than they were physically ready for. Maybe some people were just as scarred by the President’s Physical Fitness Test.

I’d say if you WANT to try to run, but you think you can’t, reconsider. Try. Find a running class or group. Find a friend who wants to run too. Sometimes just having someone you are accountable to will make you get up and go. And having someone to talk to or just be there to call 911 if you fall over is enough to make you like it.

Oh, and beer has lots of carbs, which you need at the end of a run. So maybe you could just run for beer.

I’m a recovered (not recovering) control freak. I know you are shocked to hear this. I used to have a visceral need to control everything in my life. Thanks to a major life shake-up and many hours of therapy, I can proudly say that this is no longer the case. I’m much more flexible and less anxious when things don’t go as planned. Where I used to say, “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly,” these days I more often say, “Why the hell not?” Because the worst thing I could imagine happening did happen to me, and I lived through it. Not only that, I have thrived.

All my life, I’ve hated roller coasters. I’m not afraid of them – I don’t fear for my safety or anything. I just have always hated that feeling of losing my stomach on a big hill or drop. I have never been a barrel of laughs to be with at an amusement park.

But now that I’ve conquered my control issues, I have started to wonder if I might enjoy roller coasters now. Now that I can just relax and let things happen to me, would I be able to enjoy the fall?

I plan to find out the next time I have the chance. I may still hate them, but I plan to give the experience another chance. In the wise and learned words of Cee Lo Green, I just want to let something brand new happen to me. What’s the worst that could happen?

I recently joined a dating website. I can’t really tell you why, because I am generally ambivalent about the whole thing. But as many of you have pointed out, it IS good blog fodder.

My first contact was with a guy we will call Magic Thumbs. We will call him that because of his unnatural desire to conduct any sort of getting to know each other via text message. I tried to keep up but to me, text message are for brief communications such as “I’ll be five minutes late,” or “thinking of you,” or weiner pictures. It’s not a medium for lengthy conversations and deep questions. If you don’t know me, I am not funny via text. And if I don’t know you, I don’t get your jokes.

Magic Thumbs was bright enough to pick up that I wasn’t a fan of the text message for getting acquainted, and I explained why. He agreed it’s a strange medium. And yet he would not stop. In fact, the three days I was in Las Vegas, he texted me three times.

I admit this is a hot-button issue for me, but when I tell you I don’t like something and you keep doing it over and over anyway, I consider this bullying behavior and it’s a huge red flag for me. If we haven’t even met in person and you are already bullying me, I really don’t want to take it any further. It may seem that I’m overly sensitive on this topic, and yes, texting is a very small thing really. But at this stage of a relationship, impressions are everything. This was a terrible impression.

And thus ends the tale of Magic Thumbs.

It has been high times around here lately, between the Cap 10K, a trip to Dallas and a trip to Vegas, my weekends have been awesome lately.

I just got back today from my last big weekend for a while and it was amazing. I got to see my parents and spend a bunch of time with my dear friend Alicia for her 40th birthday. I love birthdays, as many of you know, and milestone birthdays are the best. After much debate, Alicia decided she wanted a house party with her nearest and dearest, so we made that happen for her.

We had a great lunch, shopped, got our hair and makeup done (complete with false eyelashes, which I have never done before and LOVED) and just had an all-around girly day on Saturday, then we had the party which was a huge success.

Want to hear something awesome? Of course you do. That’s why you read here, isn’t it?

I bought an awesome pair of Lucky Brand jeans a few months ago. I got them on ridiculous sale at a discount store that rhymes with Farshall’s and I didn’t try them on before I bought them. They were too small and I tossed them in the closet and forgot about them. Before my trip to Vegas, I tried them on and THEY FIT. I was so pumped about this because they make my butt look fantastic. After Vegas, I washed them and put them straight into my suitcase for Dallas for Alicia’s party. When I went to put them on last night? They were too big. Also, I had to buy a new top for the party because I left mine at home. I went shopping on Friday afternoon and found a really cute top and tried it on, only to realize that I had to buy the size small. I liked the top, but I think the fact that I had to buy a small might have pushed me to buy it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sleep for about three days.

There has been a lot of buzz on this book 50 Shades of Grey. Since I was looking for a new book I decided to see what all the fuss is about.

And I really don’t get it. It’s not that great a book. It reads like young adult fiction, which is not something I enjoy. Or maybe I’m just old and a story about a person who is just graduating college rings young adult to me. I don’t know. But the main character is flat to me. The dialog is just all wrong at times. And I wonder if the author knows the meaning of the words “murmur” and “mutter” because she uses them repeatedly and incorrectly. Did anyone edit this book?

The only thing I think this book is good for would be if you need a good night in with a glass of wine and your battery operated boyfriend. It’s erotica, pure and simple. I don’t see any redeeming literary qualities in it at all.

Have you read it? What do you think?

I actually woke up before my alarm went off this morning. I was so excited about race day. I got up and showered (not something I normally would do before a regular run, but I knew there would be photographs today and well, you know.) I made my spinach smoothie which is more delicious than it sounds, I assure you. I got down on the floor to do my stretching and PT but I was so full of adrenaline that nothing hurt (my PT involves finding the hurty spots and then rubbing the shit out of them with a tennis ball) so I just gave up. After a quick check for all my supplies – 5 Hour Energy, iPhone arm band, race bib and pins – I was out the door to go meet my girls.

I really want to commend the City of Austin for their planning of this race. They were anticipating 28,000 runners today and it went very smoothly. Dallas would have made a clusterfuck out of this but Austin has it down. We were broken down into start groups and we were in group D. Even with all those people in front of us, it was only 9 minutes or so between the starting pistol and when we crossed the start line. That’s not bad at all.

I will never forget the sight I got to behold this morning, running up Congress Avenue right toward the Capitol. It was gorgeous. I got chills. My second favorite moment of the race, for sure. (Obviously my FAVORITE moment was crossing the finish line.)

Downtown Austin is really damn hilly. I did not practice a long run with any real hills, and there were a ton today. They killed me. They were long and some of them pretty steep. I didn’t actually cry when approaching any of them, but I wanted to.  I may have uttered a few streams of profanity.

I decided that no matter how much I hate them, next race that occurs in the warmer months must be run wearing shorts. It was only 79 degrees at the end of the race, but our coaches tell us you should add 20 degrees to that when you run because that’s what it will feel like. And it did. I love my lululemon running pants but it was damn hot. For the next 10K at the end of April I will look for some shorts I don’t hate.

I normally run with two really awesome girls and we drove to the race together, planning to stay together in the race. But once the crowd started thinning out at the start, I realized that I kept pulling ahead of them. I was trying not to do too much too fast but the pace I was at just felt right to me, and slowing down was uncomfortable. So I went with it. I figured they’d catch me on a hill. They never did, and I couldn’t find them at the finish line either, but of course we all met back at the car. I’m sad that I didn’t get to run with them, because I could have used the moral support we give each other, and I would have liked to have crossed the finish line with the girls I started running with 8 weeks ago.

I also learned a hard lesson today. You should always pee before you start a race. In my quest to hydrate before the race, I may have overdone it a bit. By the time we walked to the start line, I had to go. Not terribly bad, but I had to. We went inside a hotel but the line was so long and I was worried we’d miss the start of the race. So I just opted not to. Big mistake. By about mile 3, it was bad. I felt like my bladder was going to try to vacate my body. Still I pushed on because my princess ass does not go in port-a-potties. Also, even when I vaguely considered it, I’d pass some, and the line would be long. I didn’t want to waste time waiting in a line so I didn’t stop. About mile 5, I was miserable. I wasn’t even getting water anymore because I didn’t want to bring anymore liquid into my body. Lo, I saw a set of port-a-potties with no line so I held my nose and jumped in. That is (this is no lie) the third time in my life I’ve used one. I hope it was the last. After I went, I felt so much better, and yet my muscles felt like I had been stopped for an hour, and I never got back to speed after that. I did a lot of walking the last 1.2 miles – fast walking, but still walking which made me mad at myself.

Those were the hardest six miles I’ve ever run. I somehow missed all the mile markers along the way, but at a water stop someone called out “Halfway there!” and I wanted to cry. It was only halfway? I blame my full bladder and the hills. I was ankle deep in some pretty negative self talk at some points and I thought, “If six miles is this hard I’ll never be able to do a half marathon.” Thankfully I have banished that thought. I’m doing that damn half in July.

I am so thankful for all the people who came out to cheer on the sidelines. My running coaches were there at two points so I actually got to hear my name being yelled, which felt so fantastic. And there were tons of people there who were cheering for a specific person. But there were also tons more people who were just cheering for everyone and thanking us for running this race. Maybe they were families of kids who have been treated at Dell Children’s hospital. Maybe they were just runners who knew how much the cheering matters.  They kept my flagging spirits up quite a bit. My favorite group had set up a little table and were giving out little dixie cups of beer, but you had to “wiggle for it” as in the LMFAO song “Sexy and I know It.”  If I hadn’t had to pee so badly at that moment I totally would have wiggled and gotten my beer.

My official time was 1 hour and 23 minutes. I’m not thrilled with that – that’s about a 13 minute mile. But given the hills I wasn’t expecting and the heat and my bladder situation, I’ll take it. I was never really trying to win my age class or anything. I just wanted to finish and I did. And truth be told, although my start pace felt good and natural to me at the time, I should have held myself back at first. I probably could have finished a bit stronger if I had.

So I did it. I learned some good running lessons and I can’t wait for my next 10K, the Schlotzsky’s Bun Run on April 29! Fewer people and supposedly a flatter course. Come run with me!

My doctor has chastised me twice now for wearing flip flops. I get it. I KNOW. They are terrible for you. But in the summer, they are just so easy to slip on and go. No socks, no tying, no sweaty feet. And they show off the cute pedicures.

But if I want to keep running, I have to listen. So I went out today to buy some shoes that aren’t flip flops but are easy on-off shoes that I can basically wear 11 months out of the year because, you know, I live in Texas.

I learned a couple things today:

1. Just the phrase “sensible shoes” makes my asshole pucker.

2. Anything that is remotely what I need and kind of cute is out in my size.

3. EVERY shoe can look cute in a size 6. Not so much on my giant Peggy Hill feet.

4. I will wear shoes that I love even if I know other people think they are ugly. But I can’t think they are ugly, no matter how comfortable. Even if you think they are cute. It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion… wait. Yes, it actually is that precisely.

So really I’m screwed. I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot give up flip flops totally. I will be more careful about where and how much I wear them. For example, when I walk the dog, I’ll take the time to put on “real” shoes. But to just run Bridget to school or to Target or to get the mail, I’m probably going to slip them on.

And just so you don’t think I’m insane, I do realize that they make flip flops with more cushion and even arch support, but arch support is not what I need. I need a shoe that keeps my foot from rolling outward (because that is pulling on the muscle on the inside of my shin), which no sandal or flip flop can do simply because there is nothing on the sides at all. Hopefully some strength training will make all this a moot point very soon. Or a moo point, if you are Joey Tribiani.

I have never been so happy for Spring Break to end in my life. Now I finally understand all those commercials in the fall where the parents are skipping down the aisles of the office supply store, filling up the cart with school supplies, while the kids walk beside them dejectedly. Again, love my daughter. Would gladly lay down my life for her. But no matter what relationship you have, be it a marriage, a friendship, or parent/child, there IS such a thing as too much togetherness.

I went back to PT yesterday and I have to go again tomorrow, but I feel good. I’m terrified of getting the bill for all this, because I know it’s hitting my deductible. But if it keeps me running, it will be worth it. The best part is that the doc assured me I can’t do any damage. Basically to get to the point where damage is being done, I couldn’t possibly be running anyway because the pain would be too much. Strengthening the muscles is the best thing I can do. He also said that running too slowly can cause some of the problem, but I do basically a 10 minute mile (in ideal circumstances) so I don’t think that’s terribly slow. Oh, but I might have to give up my beloved flip flops this summer. I’ve always known they are bad for your feet, but now I’ve gotten a talking-to about them. We’ll see if I can do it.

I’ll go to running class tomorrow night, which will be a short run, then I’ll do another short-ish run on Saturday, and Sunday morning bright and early is my first 10K run! I’m really excited about it. I know it’ll be ok because I have already run the distance and done fine. My main concern is that so many people will be there. I worry that I won’t even get the chance to run because of the throngs of strollers and dogs. We’ll see. I have signed up for another, less crowded 10K on April 30.

Did I mention to you that I’m wearing jeans from two years ago? And they fit? Comfortably? Love that.

Today is a good day. I will embrace it and be grateful for it.

I’ve been in a bad mood this week. Nothing major is wrong, just a lot of little things. Bridget has been on Spring Break (which I truly believe should not exist for children under 13 because it’s a “break” for NO ONE) so we’ve been together a LOT this week. I love my girl. God knows I love my girl. But we push each other’s buttons. Plus she has been climbing into bed with me in the wee hours and waking me up. Being sleepy makes me very grumpy.

My legs have been hurting a bit lately but Wednesday night at running class it all fell apart. I ran the 1.3 mile warm up mostly ok, but when we got the drills – 400m fast pace then 400m medium pace – my shins just said no more. And I was so mad at myself. I really needed those endorphins and I was cheated out of them. I thought maybe it was psychological, like my bad mood had carried over into my muscles. But Thursday morning, my shins still hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. So I made a doctor appointment. It turns out my shins hurt because my calf muscles were basically in a big hard ball. So my shins were doing all the work that my calf muscles would normally do. The doctor did some horribly painful massage moves on me, then sent me to the physical therapists who taught me some trigger point techniques to use to massage the muscles and get that knot of muscle to relax. But the coolest part was when they stuck electrodes on my calf muscles and shot electricity in the muscles to force them to relax. It didn’t hurt – it felt kind of cool actually. And after PT, my legs felt great. I’ve been cleared to try my long run tomorrow morning and I have a second appointment Monday morning to go through it all again.

Now I have to give the big confession. I’ve been sad this week and I will likely be sad for the next week and I hate myself for it. The EX is getting married next weekend. I shouldn’t even be posting this here because I know that The EX and/or his family read this sometimes and I certainly don’t need to air this laundry in front of them. But in the end, this is my space and I write what I need to. So. Before you jump to conclusions, I’m not sad because I want him back. I do not want him back, and I’m not just saying that. But Bridget is so excited about the wedding and it is truly all she talks about. It’s been bringing back all these memories of the time before our wedding and it just makes me sad. I was so happy. That time was so filled with excitement, joy and love. And it was all a waste. (Please, you don’t need to remind me that I got Bridget out of the marriage. I know that. But from a relationship standpoint, it was a big FAIL.) It’s not that I was happy then and I’m unhappy now, because that’s not it. It was just an innocent happiness that I’ll never have again. So that’s that. I think the worst of it has passed but even if it hits again, I’m not letting it knock me down. They are just memories and they can’t kill me. The only thing I can do is acknowledge the feelings and know the sadness will pass.

All I can say now, is thank the lord that Spring Break is over. Life will be back to normal soon.

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my almost 38 years on the planet, besides to keep Tums with you at all times just in case, is to never say never. Well, except when it comes to certain sex acts. In those instances I feel confident saying never. But this is not about that.

I have been divorced just shy of two years. And for the first time today I thought I might like to date someone. And the thought did not make me feel like vomiting. Two years ago I never would have believed I’d be here again.

However, let’s not get all chirpy with the comments about dating websites. Deciding that I MIGHT want to date again and actually accomplishing that are two very different things.

On the one hand, I work from home, and don’t get out a ton. My opportunities for meeting people are few, and people my age do tend to already be married. So a dating website seems like an obvious choice.

But I am not a fan of dating websites. I’m not judging anyone who uses or has used them because I know tons of people who have met great people on them. I think they work very well for some people, but maybe not for me. I’ve tried one or two and I have the same problem on both. I will tend to discount someone for something that is probably very minor when I’m looking at him on a computer screen. But if we had met at a party, the way that quirk or trait is presented in real life might come off as actually charming when you have a little chemistry and vodka going on. My point is that it’s so easy to say no to too many people. If I’m going to consider another round at online dating, I’ll have to figure out a strategy for it, or let someone I trust pick my dates for me.

I will not be an easy fit. I’m not the norm for my age. I am older, I have a child. I will not have any more children, but would love someone who already has children. I want a definite relationship where there is caring and trust and love and a general expectation of being together, but marriage is not on the table. At least not for a while. My dating life and my parent life cannot intersect for the foreseeable future. Bridget is already nagging me daily to get her a step Dada so she’s all in to this idea. I will not let her meet someone for a very long time because she will get attached.

My biggest priority in life right now is to protect Bridget. And there is something that will not allow me to bring a man into the house in a sleep-over/cohabitation situation until she’s out of the house or at least older. I feel like I am a good judge of character and all that, but the tiniest possibility that I might bring a man into her life whom I think is great but turns out to hurt her is too terrible for me. Yes, I have a life to live, but protecting her is my mission in life for now. A good man will understand that and keep the distance that I demand in that arena. That’s why I think someone who already is a parent would be a good choice because he would understand that Mama Bear instinct and would respect it.

So I don’t know. I’ll think about a dating website for a while longer. In the meantime, I’ll just fix my hair a little more often, wear makeup when I go out and all that. It’s a small step. I’m working on the weight loss so I feel better about myself and exude more confidence. All of these little steps will help me prepare and be ready for when/if the time comes that I meet someone who makes my stomach drop.

Now, having said all that, I’m not DYING to go on a date right now. I actually like my life a lot right now. I go to bed every night happy with my life and I wake up the same way every day. There is not one thing I want that I don’t have in the grand scheme of things. I would probably like to have a bit more of a weekend social life and I’m trying to make that happen, but I’m definitely not lonely when I’m alone.

So if you know any cute men between 35 and 50 who don’t want kids (or any more kids) and are as crazy liberal as I am, send ‘em my way. Oh, and he must never ever consider wearing a fedora. That is a deal breaker for me. No hipster douches.