phatDonna

OOOH! I had the weirdest night tonight.

First, I met this very cute boy who was wearing a Dr. Who scarf and reminded me of Colin Firth in a little way. But I lost track of him.

Then! I met this guy who I could have SWORN was Grant. Grant was one of the two guys I was dating when I met The EX. I was 25, Grant was 36. Grant told me he wanted to have an affair with me. I was a bit confused because I always assumed one person had to be married for it to qualify as an affair but I didn’t care. He was so damn cute. I had to give Grant the talk when I fell hard for The EX and then he moved to Austin. (I’m sure those two things were not related at all.) My mystery guy tonight turned out not to be Grant, but it did bring back some fond memories. Grant is probably married with 12 kids now, but I’d look him up if he didn’t have such a common last name. Hindsight being 20/20, I wouldn’t have given him The Talk back in 1999.

I guess it goes without saying that this was not Grant.

(I’m just tired, not drunk, I promise.)

(Sorry Mom and Dad for the TMI about my former love life.)

(Not sorry I used to have a love life.)

Today on the way to school, Bridget asked me if I had a boyfriend.

We’re both lucky I didn’t crash the car, such was my shock at this question.

I asked her if she thought I did and she said yes. When I asked her why she thought that, she said that we had dinner with “that man who had the Barbie game on his phone.” She was talking about my friend J, with whom she and I had dinner back in November. I explained to her that, no, he’s just an old friend of mine and that he is married with a little girl at home. Then I died a little because I never thought to explain to her that she wasn’t meeting a possible stepfather that night. But it’s nice to know that she likes him enough to approve of that scenario.

The conversation then turned to the fact that she is going to have a stepmother soon and how she wishes I would get married so she can have a “step-DADA.” I tried to get her to explain to me why she wants one of those, and the best she could come up with was that she liked having other people around. So basically she’s not so much a fan of me and The EX and wants other people around to amuse her.

I explained to her that maybe one day we’d find somebody super special like GF that we would want to be with, but it couldn’t just be anybody. She accepted that and then asked if she could listen to The Lion King soundtrack.  Then I threw up in  my mouth a little.

Again, I don’t want to say never, but I really can’t see the appeal of getting married again. And certainly I’m not going to be pressured into it by a five year old. But wow. I never thought she even gave any of this any thought at all, but this is the second time she’s brought this up. I feel like my answer is sufficient and it’s all I’ll probably ever give her on that topic.

I’m still gobsmacked. Dating pressure from my five year old daughter.

Another topic we covered was that boys could have boyfriends and girls could have girlfriends. She said, “They CAN?” and I said, “Yes of course. Boys can even marry boys and girls can marry girls.” (I didn’t want to go into legality and civil unions. She’s only FIVE.)  And she said, “That’s good.” Hopefully that lesson will stick with her and she’ll always feel that way about it.

It’s inevitable that when I get together with friends and family and the wine starts to flow, talk turns to my life and what my future plans are. Have I started dating? Do I ever think I’ll get married again? Do I want more children?

The simple answer is, I have no idea. I can’t think that big.

I’ve been on one date since I got divorced. While I wouldn’t call it a disaster exactly, neither was it a rousing success. He was a very nice guy but I felt no attraction. He had too many qualities that were similar to The EX, and I made a hasty exit at the end of dinner, and followed up with an “it’s not you, it’s me” text message. Klassy, huh?

In thinking about what I’m even capable of right now, a relationship is probably not in the cards for a while. I am kind of liking my solitude in some ways. I like having my own space. I like just worrying about me and Bridget. I’m not sure that I have it in me to really think too much about the needs of another person. I recognize that there are parts of being in a relationship that I miss, but I’m just not sure I’m ready for all that.

Marriage is a whole other ball of wax. I am a firm believer in never saying never, but I’m leaning toward never. I have significant trust issues. When I got married I meant every word of my wedding vows and I think The EX did too, at the time anyway. But he changed his mind later on. How will I ever be able to believe someone else when they say those vows? On the flip side of that, I’m a romantic at heart and I won’t rule it out. Someone might change my mind one day and make me take the plunge again. If not, I don’t think I’ll live a sad lonely life.

As for kids…. I just don’t know. I’m old now. Not officially too old but old enough that it could be dramatic. I think in the kids department I am better off just counting my blessings in Bridget. I had a dream pregnancy with her, a dream delivery and she was a perfect baby. She may be a handful now, but all kids her age are. Why tempt fate by asking for more? But again I’ll rely on the never say never school of thought.

So to sum up, I have no idea what’s next. I can only focus on today. I’m in no rush to figure anything out. There’s no point in trying to figure it out anyway.

To quote John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

One of my (many) idiosyncrasies is that I seem to attach a lot of memory and emotion to smells, maybe more even than sights or sounds. I just always have. Smelling lilies will always remind me of my wedding day, no matter what, even at a funeral. There is a certain cologne for men that has been worn by two guys I have dated. They were both assholes, so whenever I smell it, which is thankfully not that often, I think “Oh, that’s the Asshole Cologne,” and I think of both of them. Two weeks ago when I saw The King’s Speech, I started to smell the cologne of a man sitting near me somewhere. It was very nice, not anything I could name but I liked it a lot. And now I am convinced that is what Colin Firth smells like.

Today on my coffee date, I was early because the weather was bad and I thought parking would be way worse than it was. I was also a little nervous so I had to pee a lot. I went to the bathroom and then washed my hands, like you do. Fast forward to the date, which was nice. We sat and chatted for three hours and never had an awkward pause. He’s nice looking, not HAWT but I don’t care about that. But I kept thinking, “Wow, I really don’t care for his cologne AT ALL.”

After the date was over, I got in the car and I could still smell it  and it was driving me crazy. The I realized it was not his cologne at all. It was the smell of the hand soap from the bathroom at the coffee place. I think another date will be in order so I can decide how I feel about him, sans the lingering odor of industrial hand cleaner.

Oh god, what if he thinks that’s how I smell?

P.S. We are going out again either Wednesday or next Saturday. As I said he’s super nice. The only thing that concerns me a wee bit is that personality wise, he reminds me quite a bit of The Ex. Could be good, could be bad. We’ll see.

• So far 2011 hasn’t been very good. Not really to me, but to people I love. Not cool, 2011. Not cool. Shape up, ok?

• The date is on for tomorrow. Coffee around midday. I’m sure I’ll have very little to say about it, but I’ll say something I’m sure.

• I have to take my dog Robbie to the vet tomorrow. He has very bad hips, like many Labs. But he’s not a complainer at all so it’s not always easy to tell how he feels. He hasn’t had Xrays in a few years but I’ve had an anti-inflammatory I can give him when I suspect he’s in pain. About a year ago, our new vet here in Austin put him on a prescription dog food for joint mobility, and that has really seemed to help him. But the past couple of weeks, he’s walking funny and I can tell he’s just not himself. Could be just getting a bit older, could be just the cold damp weather, but I’d feel better if we got a new picture of those hips. I am dreading tomorrow’s visit because I’m scared that he’s going downhill. I know that there will come a point in his life where the pain won’t be manageable and I’ll have to have him put down. I’m just not ready for that day to come anytime soon.

• Bridget is off with her dad this weekend and will be there through Monday afternoon, since Monday is a holiday. I’m happy for now to have some quiet in the house and to be able to sleep in a bit. The thing is that as a single parent, my choices are being with her and sometimes off my rocker with having to repeat myself eleventy billion times and cleaning up toys and messes and get dinner ready and then clean it up and do bedtime and bath, or being all alone. Having a partner in parenting is so much better because it’s not all or nothing. Hmph.

I joined a dating website. I know this is not terribly interesting news. Millions of people do it every day. The statistics on the number of people who have met and married from a dating website are staggering. I don’t even find it weird or creepy. Some of the people I consider among my best friends are people I met online and my love for them is no less than my love for friends I see in person regularly. So it’s not weird.

But here’s the thing. I haven’t dated in eleven years. I’m older, wiser, and fatter. I’m more set in my ways. I have a kid. I don’t know how to date as an adult. Back then I wondered how long I had to hold out before I could sleep with him and still maintain my dignity, now I wonder how interested he has to be before he won’t care about my stretch marks. Back then, we had to be mindful of roommates. Now I have to worry about my kid. That part is weird. Dating as an adult is just not natural.

I have a date coming up this weekend. My first one in over eleven years. It’s going to be very low-key, just coffee on Saturday afternoon. But it’s a date. We both know why we’re there. To see if we want to get married and have lots of sex and babies. (Kudos if you can name the movie that line came from.) The guy seems very nice. I’m not nervous, I’m just not really all that excited about it. Part of me thinks that perhaps that means I’m not ready to be dating yet. The other part of me thinks I need to just get it over with, that it feels weird and wrong to me simply because I haven’t done it in so long, and maybe after the first one it’ll feel more natural.

I don’t even know if I want my immediate future to hold a romantic relationship. I honestly don’t know how I’d have the time given that I do have a kid, and it would be a good long while before I’d let anyone meet her. But I do know that it’s probably time to at least try this avenue. If I hate it, I don’t have to go on any more. Change is never comfortable, especially for me. But no good ever came from being stagnant either.