phatDonna

OOOH! I had the weirdest night tonight.

First, I met this very cute boy who was wearing a Dr. Who scarf and reminded me of Colin Firth in a little way. But I lost track of him.

Then! I met this guy who I could have SWORN was Grant. Grant was one of the two guys I was dating when I met The EX. I was 25, Grant was 36. Grant told me he wanted to have an affair with me. I was a bit confused because I always assumed one person had to be married for it to qualify as an affair but I didn’t care. He was so damn cute. I had to give Grant the talk when I fell hard for The EX and then he moved to Austin. (I’m sure those two things were not related at all.) My mystery guy tonight turned out not to be Grant, but it did bring back some fond memories. Grant is probably married with 12 kids now, but I’d look him up if he didn’t have such a common last name. Hindsight being 20/20, I wouldn’t have given him The Talk back in 1999.

I guess it goes without saying that this was not Grant.

(I’m just tired, not drunk, I promise.)

(Sorry Mom and Dad for the TMI about my former love life.)

(Not sorry I used to have a love life.)

I was just consolidating my upcoming trips into TripIt and it occurred to me that in the past year, I have been doing an inordinate amount of traveling. Since last summer I’ve been to New York twice, Venice, Croatia, Disney World, Cincinnati, New Orleans, and Chicago. That doesn’t include many trips back and forth to Dallas and a trip to Houston. Coming up this summer, I have a trip to Vegas, another one to Chicago, and one to San Diego.

My parents commented recently about how much traveling I’ve been doing and my immediate response without thinking was “What the hell else do I have to do?” As I’ve mentioned before, my life is split between two modes: MOMMY and DONNA. Those two modes do not mingle at all. So when I’m not MOMMY, I am alone and have to find ways to entertain myself. Why not travel then? I have a lot of friends in other cities and states, and if I want to see them and the airfare is cheap, I’ll hop on a plane. I’m also saying yes to a lot more experiences I might have said no to before.

But I really think it also has a lot to do with distraction. Between preparation, packing, traveling, unpacking and picking up kid and pets, a weekend away can actually take up a week of brain power. That’s a whole week where I don’t have to worry about finding things to fill my time when Bridget is with The EX, or when I have a spare second to let my mind wander and trying not to feel lonely.

So far, I’ve done a fantastic job of keeping myself busy with travel. However, this little habit of mine is pretty expensive and I really should curb it a bit and focus more on building a life here in Austin. I’ve been calling Austin home, but I’ve been finding every excuse in the book to escape it on the weekends. It doesn’t take an advanced degree to figure out why that is.

After this summer, I will focus more on making Austin my home and creating a life I actually fit into. Maybe one where MOMMY and DONNA can coexist.

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in to your own life?

I mean, this is my life, I know it. But suddenly it doesn’t seem to fit me anymore. Two years ago, my life was comfortable. It fit. I was a wife and a mom and I did wife and mom things. I was a housewife. Now I’m a housewife who isn’t a wife. I’m a mom who doesn’t feel like the mom I used to be, or like any of the other moms around me. My career is in flux and I’m not sure what I’m going to be or do when I grow up.

I don’t feel like I fit in with my married friends as much anymore. They happily cast off the single life years ago, as I once did. And while they say that they live vicariously through me in my travel and things, I know they are happy to not be in my shoes. I only have a few single friends (none in town) and they don’t have kids so I don’t really fit in with them either. They haven’t yet had the experience of having a soul-sucking, life changing responsibility to a tiny human. They don’t understand that there are things that I simply cannot do as a mother because I have this other person that I owe everything to.

It just seems like my life is bipolar. I am either with Bridget and am with her fully, focusing on taking care of her and engaging with her. There is no help, there is no one to take over the mundane things at the end of the day. It’s all me all the time. And I spend my time wishing I could do something that’s all about me. When I don’t have Bridget, I am all alone. I have no responsibilities. If I go out and have fun, I’m thinking about her and hoping she’s ok and not missing me, and feeling slightly guilty for not being with her at that moment.

I guess the trick will be finding a situation where the two halves of my life can come together. I want Bridget to understand that I am a person apart from being her mother because I don’t want to set an example that being a mother means you stop being yourself. But I feel like that’s a lesson for later in her life. For now, I think all I can do is straddle these two worlds of mine, hopping back and forth from one to the other and trying to keep them apart. One day maybe they’ll start to meld a little bit more.

In the meantime, I guess I am the mom who thinks Greek yogurt tastes worse than semen and I’m the single girl who always has Hello Kitty bandaids and neosporin in her purse in case anyone gets a boo-boo.