phatDonna

Earlier this year I made a promise to myself to try to make a life here in Austin rather than running away out of town to escape my boredom. When I moved here in 2009 I had four really good friends (two couples) and while I ADORE them, they do have lives that don’t revolve around me. And just because I am bored and free on a Saturday doesn’t mean they are. I needed more friends.

I’m proud to say that I have done it. Through the magic of Twitter, I’ve met some really amazing women whom I adore. And the mother of a former classmate of Bridget has become a friend. It’s kind of hard to make friends when the context in which you know each other is school and parenting. Women can be so judgmental of other moms and sometimes just downright fucking mean. So just because Bridget really liked Sally (not her real name), there was no guarantee that the moms would do more than tolerate each other for the sake of the kids. But this friend and I click. She’s awesome. Plus Sally is one of the handful of Bridget’s friends that I actually love. I’m actually wondering if a sleepover might be in their immediate future.

All that sap is just to report that I am actually making a life here and I’m really happy about it.

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This thought occurred to me and then strangely I was just watching the Louis CK show Live at the Beacon Theater (if you are at all a fan and have a sick mind like me, please do go pay the $5 to download or stream this show – you won’t be sorry) and he made mention of the same thing. Weird. Anyway, the thought is this:

Bridget is now at an age that I remember being. I clearly remember being five. In some ways that makes the parenting thing a bit easier, because she’s more relatable now. On the other hand, all I can think now is, “I better not screw this up, because this is the shit she’ll be talking about in therapy in twenty years.”

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I had the BEST time last night. There is a U2 tribute band from Austin and they play pretty regularly at my favorite bar. Last night I went with Sally’s Mom (see above) (also I have no idea if she cares if I use her real name but I won’t for now just to be safe) (how many parentheses is it ok to have in one sentence?) (is this too many?) (yes?) (ok, I’ll stop) for my third time.

Listen, they are tribute band. They are not U2. But they do a great job and put on a fun show and every time I’ve been to see them, I’ve met amazing people. Last night, we shared a table with two really nice guys – there was no flirting or monkey business they were just nice fun guys. One was Australian and he answered a question for me that I’ve had forever about Australia. Then we discovered it was his birthday so we did Irish Car Bombs to celebrate. Although Sally’s Mom was responsible and didn’t drink hers because she was driving. I thank her heartily for that because I was obviously working hard to get my liver in shape for Vegas in two weeks.

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I have bought Bridget a Christmas present that I’m not sure I should give her. I won’t really go into what it is, but it’s kind of expensive and although I know she’ll love it, I wonder if she’ll care for it properly. It’s expensive enough that if she destroys it, I will be mad. I’ll be giving her her presents from me the day before she goes over to The Ex’s for Christmas, and I know she’ll want to take it there, which is fine. I totally trust him to help her take care of it. Plus she has had an iPod Touch for a year now and other than one incident where it was lost for a few days when she shoved it in the pile of giveaway clothes, she has cared for it remarkably well. But the control freak in me wants to wrap it in bubble wrap and make her wash her hands before she touches it. I need to get over this. (See above re: her remembering things and me not fucking up.)

Blah blah blah, it’s Christmas and I am the biggest humbug Scrooge McDuck around this year. I have purchased all of Bridget’s presents and no one else’s. I have no idea in fact what I’m getting anyone else. And I don’t seem to have any motivation to think about it.

Could be the cold I’ve been nursing for a week now, complete with a random vomiting episode and multiple nose bleeds. I am a sexy bitch, I know it. In any case I just don’t give a crap about Christmas this year.

But my living room does not reflect my lack of Christmas spirit.

Here’s the mantle. Stockings hung by the chimney with yada yada yada.

There’s the Christmas tree. All four staggering feet of it. Sitting atop my end table. My condo is simply too small for a regular sized tree. I hate fake Christmas trees but in my world there are some things that are just Man Jobs, and dealing with the set up a real Christmas tree is definitely a Man Job. If I ever move out of here, maybe I’ll decide to learn to use a saw and deal with a live tree. And maybe I’ll learn to hang pictures but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

So yeah. Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho.

I have the Cold That Will Not Die or CTWND for short. Is that shorter? I don’t know. I can’t be expected to think clearly in my condition.

It started last week on Sunday and I was pretty sure I was dying of rheumatic fever. I had to ask the EX to take Bridget on Monday night because sitting upright was a challenge for me and I knew that I was not going to manage getter her fed, bathed and in bed. As it was, getting up to go to the bathroom or make my own soup was enough to make me cry.

It seemed to be better every day. By Thursday I was able to do my first day of running. After the run my lungs decided to revolt for a good 30 minutes or so, but all seemed well.

But when I got up yesterday at 8 am fully prepared for my second run, I was again a gross mucus mess. Coughing, stuffy nose, sneezing – the whole shooting match. I let the dog out, realized it was raining and decided to just lie down again for a quick second to consider the path my day should take.

Five hours later… Yes, I woke up again at 1pm. I would feel guilty about this but my body obviously needed it. Today is not much better. I mean, I didn’t sleep until 1 pm. I woke up at 6:40 so I could work. But the phlegm. Oh the phlegm. (I am one sexy motherfucker, aren’t I?)

This is the cold that will not die. And now today is COLD and rainy and I need to run but WAAAAH! Maybe I should have a hot toddy and think it over.

Regret is the worst feeling in the world. Maybe you regret how you behaved in a certain situation. Maybe you regret how you treated a friend.

I think the worst thing in the world would be to reach the end of your life with regrets for chances not taken, for things left unsaid. But sometimes, too much time has passed. Too many things have changed. Life gets in the way. It would be wrong to say the things you want to say.

There’s nothing to be done but try to drive those feelings away. But that’s the hard part, isn’t it?

I did the Couch to 5K program a few years back with my friend in Dallas. We decided on September 1 that we were going to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day. We did that but because it was so crowded and impossible to run, we decided to run another one right before Christmas. That happened the day after I had to put my dog Lucy to sleep. Needless to say that wasn’t my best performance either. Then I started having problem knees when I ran and I gave it up in lieu of a personal trainer.

The point of all that is to say that this is not my first Couch to 5K rodeo. I’ve done it. I know it works.

Since the divorce I have gained weight, which makes me so mad because I worked my ass off for a year with my trainer in Dallas and was in decent shape. I’m pretty pissed that at myself for letting this happen.

Luckily I have wonderful friends in Austin who love to run and are motivating me. I am doing at least one 5K in February and another one (possibly a half marathon) in March. I WILL DO THIS.

I was planning to start this on Monday but I got struck down by the crud on Sunday afternoon, complete with fever and gross cough. So I gave myself until today to let my lungs recover from that. I was not exactly thrilled to put on my running shoes today but I did it. I have the Couch to 5K app on my iPhone which is AWESOME. I don’t have to worry about watching the time. I just listen to music and when it’s time to do something different, a nice lady comes on and says “Run now,” or “Walk now.” Although I have to admit when she tells me to run it feels like a warning and I wonder if there is an axe-wielding psychopath behind me. Other than that, I love her.

My lungs still aren’t sure they are going to forgive me. But I do have that fun endorphin rush right now, so there’s that.

Actually, my shoulder has hurt since 2007.

After having Bridget, I would go through these periods where my shoulders would hurt like mad for a few days. I went to the doctor and he told me it was tendonitis, common in new moms who have a new routine of repetitive motions. We tried oral anti-inflammatory medication which didn’t work, then the big guns were pulled out. I got a ridiculously scary and painful cortisone shot in each of my shoulders about six months apart. And it worked! For years, it worked.

But for the past two years, it’s been flaring up again, but this time it’s been almost exclusively in my left shoulder. And it’s bad. When I try to describe it, I call it an excruciating ache. It’s not a sharp pain, but it’s deep and it’s definitely not muscular. It always hurts, but there are times when it’s much worse than others. Some days I can’t even put on a bra because the motion of trying to fasten it behind my back is just too much. Thank god for sports bras that go on over your head. And because I’m always trying to brace it to not hurt, I’m doing strange things to the muscles in my upper back and neck, so they always hurt too.

I kept thinking of calling my doctor in Dallas and asking for another shot in my left shoulder, but because of his office hours, I’ve never been able to make that work. I was dragging my feet about calling someone local because I’d have to go through the whole spiel again, do my time on the pills, when what I really wanted was the nasty shot.

But last night was the last straw. It hurt so badly before bed that I was almost in tears. So I finally went looking for an orthopedist to fix this once and for all. This is just no way to live. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and I am so damn excited. I’m scared too, because I don’t want to hear it if this is just something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Then again, I’d not be thrilled to hear I need surgery. Well, maybe surgery. How long would I get to lie around after shoulder surgery?

All I want is to walk out of that doctor’s office tomorrow pain free. Is that too much to ask?

Every year I see this same thing happening, and it perplexes me every time. People getting their panties all in a twist because they see Christmas decorations up in stores sooner than they feel is allowable. And I just don’t get it.

There are no holidays that have the sparkle and excitement of Christmas. At Christmas time, people are just generally more cheery and tolerant and generous. What exactly is wrong with wanting that to last longer than the three weeks after Thanksgiving? Why is it so bad to get people into that frame of mind sooner rather than later?

In my opinion, November 1 begins THE HOLIDAYS. To me, the time of year known as “The Holidays” encompasses Thanksgiving, Hanukah,  Christmas and New Years. So sure, you don’t see Thanksgiving decorations, because let’s be honest, Thanksgiving decorations are ugly. They aren’t pretty and sparkly and glittery. Someone should work on that, and maybe then stores and windows would be decked out with more Thanksgiving decorations.

Now, I get what most of you think – that stores only decorate early in an attempt to get you to start spending money sooner. And I’m sure that’s true. (Remember, retailers need to make money in order to stay in business, keep paying taxes and employing members of the community.) But just because that’s what they want doesn’t mean you have to fall for it. Why can’t you just enjoy the pretty stuff, take a moment to think fondly about holidays past and get excited about the holidays that are approaching? Don’t buy until you are ready to buy. Personally I like to start early so I don’t have the huge outlay of cash in one three-week period.

Some people like to decorate their homes elaborately for the holidays. If stores didn’t put out their Christmas things early, these wonderfully crafty people (of which I am most definitely not one) wouldn’t have time to plan, buy and implement their visions. Other people have family and friends far away. They might like to get their holiday shopping done early so that they can wrap, package and send gifts across the world.

By putting up decorations and various holiday items early, no one is judging you or trying to make you feel like a slacker for not being more prepared or organized. They are simply catering to a large group of people who DO like to get started early.

So next time you are in a store and you see Christmas decorations and are tempted to grumble about greedy retailers, just take a moment, look at the pretty things and let it all remind you of what The Holidays mean to you. Personally, I enjoy the anticipation of it all, and I like that to start sooner rather than later.

You know, after I posted that last post about how motherhood has changed me down to my DNA, I started thinking about whether that was true. And I guess in most ways it has because everything I do is premeditated through the filter of “Could this affect Bridget? If so, how?”

And yet I strive to maintain some of my own identity. I don’t think it sets a good example for her if she thinks that my sole purpose in life is to tend to her needs. If she ever decides to become a mother one day, I don’t want her trying to live up to some June Cleaver impossible standard. She needs to know NOW that I do have other things in my life besides her and that they are important to me, but never more important to me than her. Because if she ever wants to become a parent, I want her to know that she has a right to be her own person, too.  I think I do a pretty good job of that.

But one thing I just can never shed of myself is my completely twisted sense of humor. I know I’m dark and inappropriate. I am almost impossible to offend with humor. Given the right audience and context, I don’t think there is any topic that can’t be made fun of. And I honestly have no idea how to deal with this in relation to Bridget. I certainly can’t laugh at pedophile jokes around her now (but I do know one that’s really funny) and I don’t know that I would ever pinpoint an age when I could do that.

So for now I snicker quietly to myself as my twisted brain comes up with sick sexual jokes during her kid shows, and when she asks why I’m laughing, I just tell her I got a funny email.

Where do you fall on Nature vs. Nurture when it comes to humor? Was I born this way? Or did I learn it from my parents dad?

This picture was taken just about five years ago to the day:

This was the weekend before Bridget was born and we were clowning around, experimenting with finding items that could and could not be balanced on my giant pregnant belly. This was me before my DNA was completely reorganized and I morphed into being a mother, something I will be for the rest of my life. I can never go back to being the person I was in this picture.

I remember getting a card at one of my baby showers with this quote in it:

Making the decision to have a child – It’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

It’s a bit cheesy, I’ll admit, but it’s true in a way that girl up there never could have imagined.

I don’t know why exactly but I’m getting kind of sad about the fact that Bridget is about to be five. Five seems so big. Five is school aged. Five is halfway to TEN. Oy.

So pardon me this week as I muddle through this week preparing for my baby girl to be five. I’m sure I’ll be back to saying inappropriate things very soon.

I know that the popular thing to do this month is post about gratitude and happiness. But isn’t just a little bit more fun to bitch sometimes?  I’m going to share my top rants for today.

I currently have 13 games of Words with Friends going. I’m not exaggerating. That’s not the ranty party. I have WWF on my iPhone and have had for a long time. I paid for the app so that I could avoid the ads. When WWF came to Facebook, you could link your accounts, which was so wonderful. Except on Facebook, there is no way to avoid the ads. So it makes sense to only play it on my iPhone right? Except it annoys the hell out of me on Facebook because every time it’s my turn, my phone makes a noise and vibrates. Even if it’s the middle of the night, or if I’m talking on the phone. Must research a way to make that stop happening. Basically I’m ranting because I can’t find the most convenient way to play fucking virtual Scrabble.

On Monday or Tuesday (the days of this week have totally run together) when Bridget was home sick, I got up to get her something, stepped on an errant Lego brick and sliced open the bottom of one of my toes. Who knew a Lego could do that? And I really need it to heal up because I need a pedicure in the worst way, but there is no way I’m doing that with open skin on my foot. Basically my complaint here is that I have to wait for a cut to heal using antibiotic ointment and bandages before getting a pedicure. In some countries in the world right now, this injury could bring about my death.

I recently got myself hooked on Breaking Bad. The show is so damn fantastic I can’t even begin to describe it. I’ve spent the past few weeks watching the old episodes on Netflix. And right now I have two episodes left. But I don’t want to watch them because then it will be AGES before I can see Season 4. I need to find another show that has plenty of episodes to replace Breaking Bad to ward off TV withdrawal. That is really pathetic.

My heat has kicked on exactly four times so far this month, and already my skin is paper dry and itchy. It’s maddening. I could be living in a box under an overpass with no heat at all, so really this is a stupid thing to complain about. BUT ITCHY!

On a smaller scale, I want someone to come put away all my laundry, rid my house of dog and cat hair, and steam clean my carpets. And while you’re at it, make it so that I never have to watch another Barbie movie ever.

What are YOUR rants today?

(I promise I will have a happy, grateful post coming soon in which I shoot sunshine and rainbows out of my ass. Just not today.)