phatDonna

Don’t you hate it when you have a seemingly insurmountable problem, one you struggle with for what seems like ages and ages, one that has you almost literally tearing your hair out? Of course we can all agree that sucks elephant balls.

Well, add to that the feeling of complete incompetence when the solution hits you over the head and you have had it in your power to solve the problem all along.

Lately Betsy’s behavior has been HORRIFIC. Not just bad, but all caps, bold and italics bad. The kind of bad that made me wish I could invent a time machine, go back in time five years and have my tubes tied. It hasn’t helped that she’s been having potty accidents at night, which have led to minimal sleep on both our parts. Patience has been at an all-time low. Last night she wet the bed twice. The second time, my sleep deprived brain was out of options. I put her in fresh panties and PJs and brought her to my bed. Where she proceeded to kick and squirm, chatter and gab incessantly before finally passing out again. Exactly five minutes before my alarm went off. To say that we both were a wee bit cranky this morning would be like saying it was a bit damp that last night on the Titanic.

When I picked her up at school today, she was in a foul mood. I thought for sure we were in for a rough six hours before bedtime. So I put on the kid gloves (Ha! That’s kind of a pun!) and tread carefully. And you know what happened? She was an angel. Well, as much of an angel as Betsy is capable of being. We did puzzles, we played with toys. I just held her in my lap for a while.

My poor kid has been starving for attention. I’ve been so busy with work lately that even when I’m with her, I’m really not engaged with her at all. I take care of her basic needs and I punish her for bad behavior, but I haven’t been interacting with her much. I’m ashamed to admit that. I know how social Betsy is. How could I forget this about her? How could it not be obvious that she has been seeking attention – good or bad?

I’m honestly not sure how I’m going to work this out going forward. Work has to be done and I don’t have a partner who can take on the dinner dishes, or doing bath and bedtime. I’ll have to juggle things. Maybe I’ll get a bit less sleep but I think for now I may have to just deal with it. Betsy has been through a lot in the past year, and although she’s seemed to have just rolled with it, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still processing all this upheaval. Hell, I’m 36 and I’m still not done processing it.

I guess maybe it’s good you don’t have to take a test in order to become a parent, because sometimes I think I would have failed it.

I was just thinking about all the bitching I do about my kid and how tough motherhood is. I sound like an ungrateful bitch. Yes, being the mother of a three and half year old IS hard, and yes, I think my kid has spectacular moments off jackassery. But you know what? She’s an awesome kid.

She is so damn smart, and not just book smart – she’s emotionally smart too. She is so intuitive and sensitive to the feelings of others. I once watched her get hit in the head by a classmate, and then run over to console that same kid who was crying over having gotten in trouble for hitting her.

She is also hilariously funny. She loves to tell jokes, which quite honestly aren’t all that funny but the gusto and delight with which she tells them are funny and you have to laugh at the same knock knock joke every time. And she loves to play  jokes on people, which again aren’t terribly funny or even effective but you have to applaud her effort. She also really loves it when you play a joke on her.

The best thing about her is how sweet she is. She may have the normal three year old behavior issues, and she may not choose to listen to a damn word I say, but she is a very sweet natured kid. Last night she slept in bed with me, since my mom was in town and was sleeping in Betsy’s bed. When I scooped Betsy up out of her bed and moved her to mine, she looked up at me sleepily, put her hand on my cheek and said, “I love you, Mommy.” Her first sleep hazed thought upon seeing me was how much she loves me.

And even though I tell her all the time how much I love her and how awesome she is, and how proud of her I am, I don’t share it with the world enough. So please know that if you read my Tweets about her jackassery, or see on Facebook how I’m looking for gypsies who sill buy children, that is just a moment of frustration.

Betsy has my whole heart and I am proud to be her mother.

Except when she’s throwing epic tantrums in the store. Then I park her by the beer and wine and pretend I don’t know her.